The Nine Satanic Statements
1. Satan represents indulgence, instead of abstinence
2. Satan represents vital existence, instead of spiritual pipe dreams
3. Satan represents undefiled wisdom, instead of hypocritical self-deceit
4. Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it, instead of love wasted on ingrates
5. Satan represents vengence, instead of turning the other cheek
6. Satan represents responsible, instead of concern for the psychic vampire
7. Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, who, because of his "divine spiritual and intellectual development," has become the most vicious animal of all
8. Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification
9. Satan has been the best friend the church has ever had, as he has kept it in business all these years